by Carnal Queen
I’ve always been good with my hands, even if I do say so myself … but I’ve never been good at solo masturbation. Well, I was rather good at it to be honest, and I was quite proud of my wanker status; but only when using something to get me off. When left to my own devices, just me and my hand, I sucked. Like, really sucked. In my whole adult life, I could count on the fingers of one hand how many times those fingers had given me pleasure. Boring, eh?
“Boring” just about sums up how I felt about the prospect of trying to finger-fuck myself, actually. I never really got any pleasure from my own fingers on my clit. CK’s? Yes, absolutely, but my own riding’ solo? I’d pass. I just didn’t see the point when it wasn’t even slightly pleasurable. I could spent a long time focusing on myself, and I’d usually end up frustrated, with sore fingers, and totally orgasmless. I always thought it odd that the same kind of movement, in the same place, could feel so different depending on who was delivering it, but it was very different, and I just stopped questioning it. That was me, that was my body, and I had plenty of other things I could use to take me to orgasmic bliss.
Looking back, I think the abundance of implements I owned to make me achieve orgasm probably didn’t help matters. Much like “death grip” syndrome in men, I think my vulva became very fussy and very demanding in the quest for pleasure. Vibrations had to be deeper and stronger, dildos had to be bigger and better … I was spoilt and my body had become very selective about what it wanted.
If you’ve read this post from a few weeks ago, you’ll understand a bit about what’s been going on in the real world for me. You’ll also know that I feel like my pleasure sensors have had a bit of a reset. Sexually, things have been feeling better, more intense, and that got me thinking about going “hands solo”. Would that be any different for me now? Only one way to find out …
It was a Saturday night, I was alone in the room, and James Bond was on the TV. To be clear, 007 does nothing for me, and, so I thought, neither did my fingers. Still, it was worth a try. I wasn’t even horny, and Sean Connery certainly wasn’t helping me in that department. I was feeling a bit fed up, I was bored, and as I undid my jeans I was totally prepared to fail. Turns out, I had instead failed to prepare … for my orgasm.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t exactly feel the earth move as I slipped my fingers down between my legs. It didn’t really feel much different, if my memory served me correctly, from how it used to feel. That being said, I did think there might be a slight difference, so I went with it, and figured I’d keep going for a few minutes to give it a fair trial. Occasionally, in amongst the nothingness of my finger movements, there’d be a tiny little jolt that made me pay real attention for a second. I recognised the feeling, but never from solo finger play before. Maybe my clit didn’t hate me after all? And after only about four or five minutes, I shocked myself with an orgasm that seemed to come out of nowhere.
It wasn’t a core shaking, earth shattering, world altering kind of orgasm, but it was an orgasm, and as silly as it may seem to some, I was proud as punch that I’d done that all by my little self. I was right, things were different for me and my body, and that pleased me. I didn’t tell CK for a good few days afterwards; not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but because I wanted to be able to process how it had made me feel. Sounds crazy, but it was a big deal for me.
I’m looking forward to reintroducing sex toys into my life, but I’m determined not to go back to how I was before. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my sex toy stash, and I felt very lucky to have some amazing devices at my fingertips for my own pleasure; but looking back, I think it came at a cost. Being able to bring myself pleasure, without any help, is kind of empowering. I feel like that’s how it should always have been, and I don’t want to suddenly lose that ability because my body gets greedy or numb to gentler stimulation.
Masturbating with just my fingers may still not be totally my jam, but it’s something I’m going to make a conscious effort to do every now and then. It just goes to show, your body and it’s likes and dislikes can change; we should pay attention to it and never write something off totally because of what used to be.
Maybe Jason Derulo had a point …
“Yeah, I’m feeling good tonight,
finally doing me and it feels so right”